ICYMI: The Bachelor finale was last night and holy cannoli, I feel like I’ve been to hell and back.

We start off in Cusco, Peru watching Lauren sketch pics of Arie’s needle d journal her feelings – which, TBH – she looks like the type that would have a diary.

Both girls get to meet the Luyendyk fam and bring different bouquets, but the same picnic basket ABC lent them. Can we talk about how Arie’s mom is a dead ringer for Krystal?! It’s clear the family favored Lauren because she looks the most Dutch, but thinks Becca is best for Arie – who was totally hoping they would be #TeamLauren based on the fact that he tells them that she has moments where she’s “funny and dances around sometimes” – I hope my future husband never describes me like this.

Just throwing it out there: HAD they said Lauren, I don’t think Arie would be in this pickle right now.

On their final dates with Arie, Becca gives him a scrapbook and Lauren gives him some personality. Arie pops the question to Becca, then breaks up with her – with a camera crew so all of America can see it, of course – because he still has feelings for Lauren.

I was watching this with my mum and she goes: ABC must’ve offered Becca a Bachelorette deal in exchange for this footage – which, ONE THOUSAND EFFING PERCENT.

When Arie knocked on the bathroom door post-breakup to see if Becca was okay it was as if he were checking on someone who was having a poop attack; not someone whose heart he had just completely shattered. Animal.

Feelings and America’s POV aside, I personally can’t blame Arie for his lack of judgement because both times I was in love with two people at once, I chose the wrong person – and I’m semi-single right now sooo…

Becca is a class act and the true winner here, which is why I refuse to post any photos of her crying – or next to Arie from the episode. She’s above it all. Just look at her Venmo page.

Not even going to lie; I totally thought last night’s episode was the finale. What a letdown! Instead we’re treated to the fantasy suite episode in Eca, Peru, where the desert meets the ocean. Arie says he can definitely see himself falling in love here with the same enthusiasm as someone who’s about to be euthanized.

Arie takes Kendall on a dune buggy ride.  He clearly missed the RHOC episode where the girls nearly die in a crash partaking in the same activity. Arie says he’s excited to see Kendall’s O face learn more about Kendall during their overnight.

I’ve always wondered what would happen if Chris Harrison (who now refers to himself as CH?) accidentally gave the couple the wrong fantasy suite key. Let’s make that happen some time, Elan!

Lauren seems like the type of girl who gives the silent treatment when things don’t go her way. She also completely shuts down on her and Arie’s final date – until he spills his guts to her for the hundredth time. Regardless, I’m still #TeamLauren.

Arie’s biggest fear is choosing the wrong person in the end and since he feels “safe and comfortable” with Becca she’s probs the best choice for him. Her ex apparently lives under a rock because he didn’t know The Bachelor ends in a proposal so in a last ditch effort, he shows up to profess his love for Becca.

Arie calls him a nerd, which is totally something someone with a needle dick would do, Becca says buh-bye to the ex, and Arie does the same to Kendall.

Hometowns happened this week.

Kendall
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Kendall takes Arie to the storage unit where she keeps dead bodies her taxidermy collection. Confession for you all; I used to taunt my sister and brother-in-law that I was going to gift them our late Westie as their wedding gift. She was still alive when they tied the knot, so I brought her alive instead. The two stuff dead rats, don’t wash their hands before lunch, and then meet Kendall’s twin sister, Kylie Kardashian.

Tia
Hometown: Weiner, AR
Weiner, AR is a place I hope to never see – unless it’s like the last remaining place with air or something. Tia takes Arie racing (original) and then her brother grills Arie on his reputation as the ‘kissing bandit’ LOL.

Becca
Hometown: Minnesota
Becca takes Arie apple picking (I hope there were donuts involved that ABC just didn’t show us). How am I just realizing how boring Becca is? Arie seems all in with her – he even tells her uncle that he’d go to church with her. I should mention that Arie asked every single parent for their blessing should he propose to one of the four girls. Like, wayyyy to get their hopes up Arie!…

Lauren
Hometown: Virginia Beach, VA
Lauren really steps her game up by taking Arie horseback riding on the freaking beach – #winning. Arie has a full blown freak attack from his nerves, which I loved because it shows how much he cares. IMO, Arie wins Lauren’s awkward family over by telling stories of flying planes, etc. Going back to what I said last week with their whole unspoken connection thing for a sec… I found it SO intriguing that both confided (on separate occasions to separate people) this episode that they feel like they can be in a room full of people, but know exactly what each other is thinking.

Rose Ceremony
After a quick chat with Kendall to reconfirm his feelings, Arie sends Tia home. Did anyone else get the feeling those were crocodile tears?